How to Listen to all that is not Said

Wanting to get your point across? Feeling discomfort of not being heard or acknowledged? Being uptight and stressed out about it?

We often try to get our thoughts across to the extent that we do not allow the other person to answer. We might even finish their sentence.

Do you want to be understood? Do you think the other person wants to be understood, too?

When things don’t work, when communication does not get desired results, it is time to change. To hear with the intent to listen is very difficult. We seem to have lost the ability due to our hectic schedules and lives.

Impatience grows with encountering obstacles. We become numb from recurring consistent problems which do not want to go away.

Let’s look at us as parents. We are leaders, role models. If leadership is demanded, leadership is often denied. Parenting is not meant to have dominion over others.

To bring about change, we must attempt new avenues in communication. We need to listen with the wish to understand. Be open and receptive to the other person. Mistakes are not the problem. Identifying and correcting errors, turning failure into a new opportunity, determines the new quality of a relationship.

There is a great “can do” spirit in all of us. We all can tap into it in times of crisis. Have confidence! Risk responsibility! Know, that deep listening is a form of gifted receiving.

It is important that before you are going to talk to your child you need to quiet your mind. You do not want to fall again into the old trap of nagging and criticizing.

This following affirmation has made a big difference in my life, helped me many times in dealing with my children. I hope it will help you, too.

I am centered and poised in the flow of love and nothing can disturb the calm peace of my soul.

Say it over and over again. Until you feel a centeredness coming over you.

This calmness is essential to allow for a combination of intuition, observation and listening.

See what is positive, what is working. Focus on it, nurture, praise and let your child know what is good. Your child will be more willing to listen to you. It also helps to include him into your daily routine decision making. It shows respect and acceptance of him as a valuable person. By doing this Zackery became more receptive to my needs. He also was more wiling to help me with chores. He felt valued and a worthy part of the family.

Ask questions, investigate in the why!!!! And the what!! It is often covered up by anger and arguments. A deeper rooted issue is the answer.

Your child needs to know that he can count on you and that you are supportive.

Here is one example. I know a mother who told me about her son (developmental delay with Autism) and the help she sought from several behavioral specialists to get assistance with his problems. I know she is very receptive and sensitive to her son’s difficulties, but also his abilities and there is a lot of trust in that relationship.

Behavior specialists have good skills and tools. But these are often not enough to see deeper into an issue. I just talked about intuition. Most of the therapists encountered a young man who was not willing to work with them. In fact, realizing intuitively that his needs would not be met, he took their shoes and gave them back to them, saying with this gesture, “you don’t get it/understand me. Good bye”. His mother supported him, showing him the respect he asked for.

This young man knew after a few minutes already that working with this professional would be a waste of their time.

Zackery is another example. When I had interviews in finding a new caregiver, often just a look at the person applying for the job was enough for him to say yes or no. Zackery is very intuitive which makes up for the lack of his communication skills. Zackery is non verbal. Did I listen to Zackery? Yes, because a good relationship is most important. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person. Including Zackery in this decision shows respect to him and values his “voice”.

Did I always listen to Zackery? No, and looking back onto certain situations, I would have had an easier life if I would have paid attention to his intuition and guidance. My biggest mistake was buying a house I did not feel good about. I ended up with a huge reno and a lot of headaches. If I would have listened to Zackery, I would have rented a house. Zackery gave the Powell River newspaper into my hand. He wanted me to read the “for rent “adds. He couldn’t say it, and I didn’t clue in. I dismissed his gesture. Much later I clued in, but it was too late.

Published by Barbarah

I raised three children as a single parent with Zackery as the youngest. Zackery is develop-mentally delayed with Autism and CP, and he is non-verbal. I am here to help you learn to cope as well.

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